We live in a time when emotions have never been discussed so much—and, at the same time, it has never been so difficult to deal with them. After all, most people don't suffer from a lack of information, but from not being able to maintain emotional balance in the face of daily pressures. They know what they should do, but react impulsively. They want to change, but freeze. They promise themselves they will be different, but end up repeating the same patterns. It is at this point that emotional intelligence ceases to be a nice concept and becomes an essential skill for living with more clarity, ease, and consistency.

Emotional intelligence doesn't mean being calm all the time, nor "controlling" what you feel. On the contrary: it's about learning to recognize emotions in real time, understanding what they signal, and responding consciously—without giving up, without exploding, and without running away. When we develop this skill, we stop being held hostage by our emotions and begin to use them as allies in decision-making, in relationships, and in building a more meaningful life.

In this article, we will explore what emotional intelligence is from a deep, science-based perspective, understanding what happens in the brain when we react automatically, why intelligent people continue to sabotage themselves emotionally, and, most importantly, how to develop this skill in practice, in a way that is applicable to the real world.

What exactly is emotional intelligence?

Initially, emotional intelligence is not a personality trait, nor is it something you "either have or don't have." It is a trainable skill, directly linked to how your brain perceives, interprets, and responds to everyday emotional experiences.

In simple terms, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize emotions in real time, understand their origin, regulate your reactions, and act in a way that aligns with your values—even under emotional pressure.

Therefore, this means that emotionally intelligent people don't live a life without fear, anger, sadness, or frustration. They are simply not governed by these emotions. Thus, there is a huge difference between... to feel and to be swept away by what one feels.

“"Emotional intelligence is the ability to feel emotions without losing control over one's own decisions."”

Why is emotional intelligence not about "controlling emotions"?

Herein lies one of the biggest misconceptions about the topic.

For a long time, we were taught — directly or indirectly — that emotional maturity means "swallowing your tears," "not showing weakness," or "keeping up appearances." The problem is that the brain doesn't work that way.

Repressed emotions don't disappear. They shift. In other words, what isn't consciously felt tends to reappear as:

• constant irritability
• emotional exhaustion
• exaggerated reactions
• self-sabotage
• physical symptoms

From a neuroscientific point of view, trying to forcibly control emotions keeps the limbic system in a state of alert. The body understands that there is an unresolved threat. The result is chronic tension.

Emotional intelligence, therefore, is not control. It is regulation. In this sense, regulating means allowing the emotion to exist, understanding it, and consciously choosing how to respond.

The origin of the concept and the role of Daniel Goleman.

The concept gained worldwide prominence with psychologist and science communicator Daniel Goleman, who demonstrated something uncomfortable for traditional thinking: IQ explains very little about success, well-being, and fulfillment.

Goleman showed that skills such as self-awareness, empathy, self-regulation, and social skills have a direct impact:

• in the quality of relationships
• in the lead
• in mental health
• in the ability to sustain results

Since then, emotional intelligence has ceased to be seen as “"soft skill"” and it has come to be considered a core skill for emotional survival in the modern world.

Emotional intelligence as seen through the lens of neuroscience.

From the perspective of Neuroscience, Emotional intelligence is essentially the quality of communication between two major brain regions:

• o limbic system, responsible for emotions
• o prefrontal cortex, responsible for awareness, planning and decision-making.

Thus, when this communication is weak, the amygdala takes control. This generates what is called emotional hijacking: the brain enters threat mode, and reason takes a back seat.

Above all, when communication is strengthened, the prefrontal cortex is able to inhibit automatic impulses, reinterpret the situation, and modulate emotional responses.

“"Emotional intelligence is the ability of the prefrontal cortex to regulate the limbic system without suppressing emotions."”

The 5 competencies of emotional intelligence

Emotional self-awareness

Self-awareness It is the foundation of everything. Without it, any attempt at change becomes brute force.

This refers to the ability to perceive what you feel while you are feeling it, recognizing thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations before they turn into automatic action.

People lacking self-awareness often say:
“"I don't even know why I reacted like that."”

Self-aware people realize:
“"I'm reacting because I felt threatened, rejected, or pressured."”

This difference changes everything.

Emotional self-regulation

Self-regulation is the next step. It's not about not feeling, it's about not acting on the edge of an emotional state.

Here, the brain learns to create a gap between stimulus and response. This gap is the space for conscious choice.

Furthermore, the greater the capacity for self-regulation, the lower the likelihood of emotional outbursts, impulsive decisions, and recurring regrets.

Internal motivation

Initially, emotionally intelligent motivation doesn't stem from pressure, guilt, or fear of failure. It arises from internal alignment.

Therefore, people with low emotional intelligence depend on external pressure to act. People with high emotional intelligence, on the other hand, are able to sustain actions even when the initial enthusiasm fades.

This is directly related to the brain's reward system and how emotions are associated with effort and progress.

Empathy

Empathy It's not about absorbing the other person's emotions. It's about understanding without becoming confused.

Moreover, it depends on good internal emotional differentiation. In other words, the more you understand your own emotions, the more you can perceive the emotions of others without reacting defensively.

Social skills

Clear communication, active listening, conflict resolution, and building healthy relationships depend directly on emotional regulation.

Without emotional intelligence, relationships become silent battlefields.

What happens in the brain when emotional intelligence is lacking?

When emotional intelligence is underdeveloped, the brain operates in reactive mode. That is, the amygdala becomes hyperactive, the prefrontal cortex is rarely accessed, and the nervous system remains in a constant state of alert.

This pattern sustains anxiety, chronic stress, and automatic behaviors.

“"A lack of emotional intelligence keeps the brain stuck in survival mode."”

Emotional intelligence, self-sabotage, and repetitive patterns.

Much of self-sabotage stems not from laziness, but from the difficulty in dealing with uncomfortable emotions.

Ultimately, the brain learns that taking action generates emotional discomfort. So it avoids it. It procrastinates. It freezes.

Without emotional intelligence, progress becomes a threat. With emotional intelligence, discomfort becomes part of the journey.

The relationship between emotional intelligence, mindfulness and NLP

In the Reprogrammed Mindset approach, these three approaches complement each other:

• Mindfulness develops self-awareness
• Positive Psychology supports healthy emotional states
• NLP reorganizes automatic patterns and beliefs

Mindfulness creates the space. Positive psychology organizes that space. NLP reprograms the responses.

How to develop emotional intelligence in practice.

Developing emotional intelligence requires conscious practice, not passive reading.

Therefore, small habits make a big difference. Above all, you can name emotions, pause before reacting, observe recurring patterns, and offer support without judgment.

Consistency is more important than intensity.

Practical exercise in emotional intelligence.

Conscious emotional pause (3 minutes):

1. Stop what you're doing.
2. Close your eyes
3. Pay attention to your breathing.
4. Mentally name what you are feeling.
5. Observe without trying to change.
6. Choose consciously how to act.

This exercise strengthens the prefrontal cortex and reduces reactivity.

Why does emotional intelligence sustain long-term results?

Results aren't lost all at once. They wear off gradually. First comes the excitement, then the frustration, followed by emotional exhaustion, until, silently, the person abandons what they considered important. However, this pattern isn't directly related to a lack of ability, but to an inability to emotionally sustain the process over time.

Above all, emotional intelligence acts precisely at that invisible point in the journey: it allows a person to continue even when enthusiasm fades, when results are slow in coming, and when internal doubts arise. Not because they "feel good," but because they have learned not to give up emotionally in the face of discomfort. In this sense, in high-pressure environments, impulsive decisions, poorly managed conflicts, and low emotional self-regulation directly impact team results and growth. Thus, the Emotional intelligence in business This translates into performance, leadership, and concrete results.

This is what differentiates those who have good beginnings from those who build consistent trajectories. After all, emotional intelligence transforms emotion into an ally in the process, not a criterion for acting or giving up. In the long run, it's not the one who feels less who wins, but the one who manages to move forward without conflicting with themselves.

Conclusion

Emotional intelligence doesn't eliminate emotional challenges. On the contrary, it transforms how you navigate those challenges.

It is a trainable, profound, and essential skill for living with more clarity, ease, and purpose.

Questions and answers about emotional intelligence

1. Can emotional intelligence be developed at any age?

Yes. Neuroplasticity allows for changes throughout life.

2. Can anxious people develop emotional intelligence?

Yes. And the more they develop, the less anxious reactivity there is.

3. Does emotional intelligence help in your career?

Directly. Leadership and decisions depend on her.

4. Mindfulness Does it improve emotional intelligence?

Yes. It is one of the cornerstones of emotional development.

5. Does emotional intelligence reduce self-sabotage?

Yes. It breaks the automatic cycle between emotion and escape.

Image: Freepik

Marcel Castilho

Marcel Castilho is an expert in neuromarketing, neuroscience, mindfulness and positive psychology. In addition to being an advertiser, he also has a Master's degree in NLP – Neurolinguistic Programming. As the owner and founder of the communications agency VeroCom and also of the digital agency Vero Contents, he has been studying human behavior for over 30 years.